Staying on Top
by navigatorsghost
Summary: G1. Megatron and Starscream find out the hard way why you shouldn't get drunk around your subordinates. [WARNING for mm slash, innuendo and general vulgarity. Rrated to be on the safe side.]
1. Make Merry in Haste

!! Warning: **slash**, Megatron/Starscream. Much immaturity and innuendo lies ahead. !!

Summary: Decepticon pranksters know no shame. Decepticon commanders should just know better.  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, however much I might wish I did.

Author's note: I'm still not quite sure where this demented idea came from but by the time I'd written half of it, it was too late to stop. Originally done for the crowd on the TF slash list, posted here at the request of KoiLungFish.

_Staying on Top_

_Part 1: Make Merry in Haste..._

In the depths of the ocean, for the most part, silence, peace and darkness reign uninterrupted. However, in the waters surrounding the former Decepticon spaceship that was now a permanent ground base, the seas were troubled by the echoes of voices...

"Decepticons forever!"

"We showed them good!"

"Heheheh! Didya see the look on Prime's face? I've never seen anyone look that slagged off!"

"Yeah!"

The Decepticons crowded round, laughing and cheering, congratulating each other indiscriminately. Everyone who had cargo-carrying capacity was laden down with brightly-shining energon cubes, and even those who technically didn't were carrying armfuls of the stuff. The raid had been the biggest success in a long time; the humans manning the nuclear power plant had been caught totally off their guard, and for once the traditional Autobot attack had been beaten back with minimal difficulty. They had come back with three times the haul of energy that had been predicted, and every last member of the strike force was wild with exhilaration.

"Here, has anyone tried this stuff?" Rumble stuck his nose in the cube he was carrying and sniffed, then slurped. "Wow, that's got a kick! Hey, Frenzy," he went on, turning to his brother, "try this..."

"Rumble, stop wasting energon," Megatron snapped.

"Aw, but, boss, I'm not wasting, I'm refuelling! And this is high grade, good stuff. It'll last us ages!"

"Rumble-!"

Soundwave's long-range comm unit beeped, heading off the incipient argument. "Information," the Communications Officer volunteered from his station at the console. "Message from Shockwave. Space bridge malfunctioning."

"What, again?" Megatron growled. Why was nothing ever simple? "How long for repairs?"

"Estimate: six point two megacycles to restore function."

"Too long. Tell him I want it functional in three."

Soundwave relayed the order and paused to listen to the response from Shockwave's end. "Information: suggested schedule not practicable," he announced.

"I'll give him not practicable!" Megatron leaned over and punched the console, calling up the visual link to Cybertron. "Shockwave! I want that space bridge repaired, whatever it takes!"

The monitor blinked his single optic, looking almost affronted - insofar as he ever looked anything. "Working on it, Commmander. Repairs are progressing."

"For your information, Shockwave - the faster you fix that space bridge, the more energon I'll have for you when it's operational again. Take too long and the rest of the strike force will have drunk the lot!"

Shockwave blinked. "Understood, Megatron!"

"Excellent. Megatron out."

"Is it me," Rumble said hopefully, "or did we just get permission to get righteously cratered?"

Megatron turned around from the console and fixed the smaller Decepticon with a menacing look. "On one condition."

"Wassat?"

The glare stayed in place, but a smile tugged at the corners of Megatron's mouth. "Leave enough for me!"

"Right, boss! C'mon, guys," Rumble went on, looking around at his comrades, "you heard the 'Con! PARTY!"

**XXXXX**

"Y'know wha's the best thing about bein' a Deshepticon?"

"Wha's tha'?"

"We throw one kick-aft party."

"Right. Thunder?" Skywarp blinked and tried to focus his optics.

"Yup?"

"Stay still. Why're you wobbling?"

"'M not. _You_ are, though." Thundercracker grinned drunkenly.

"'M - _am_ not. Shee?" Skywarp drew himself up proudly, lost what remained of his balance and hit the deck in a tangle of limbs and wings. "Ow, shcrap."

Thundercracker folded over in a fit of laughter, but managed to extend a hand to his fallen wingmate. Skywarp grabbed for the proffered support, overbalanced again and dragged his friend down with him, resulting in a glorious crash of colliding metal, several shrieked obscenities and a heap of inextricably tangled Seekers. "Whoopsh!"

"Is this a private game or can anyone play?" a shrill voice chimed in. Starscream moved to stand over his comrades, negligently waving a half-full energon cube. "Primus, you two look so silly!"

"Hey! He'sh got more drink!"

"GIVE!"

Starscream shrieked as he was violently tackled around the shins and hauled to the floor. Thundercracker managed to snag the energon out of his grasp and all three Seekers started a scuffle for the cube, which resulted in the contents being spilled everywhere. Starscream held up a dripping hand, his expression horrified. "Now look what you did!"

"Waste not, want not!" Skywarp answered gaily. Sitting up, he leaned across and caught one of Starscream's energon-slick fingers in his mouth. "Mm!"

"HEY!" Starscream yanked his hand back. "Lick your own fingers!"

"Mine don't taste as nice!" Skywarp grinned.

"Deviant!"

"Spoilsport!"

Starscream glared, and thumped his wingmate. There was a satisfying clang, and Skywarp fell over again.

"Get you... for... that..." the black Seeker muttered, and then promptly passed out. Starscream snickered. Like Skywarp could ever do anything to _him_! Nobody got the better of Starscream, lord of the skies!

Secure in the knowledge of his own supremacy, he never noticed the look of tipsy determination that shaped itself on Thundercracker's face as the blue Seeker studied his unconscious best friend.

**XXXXX**

"Hey look!" Frenzy pointed, and giggled.

Rumble followed his brother's indication, and his optics widened. "Wow. He passed out?"

The massive silver form of the Decepticon leader sprawled across the floor of the control room, optics dark, a trickle of spilled energon leaking from the near-empty cube in his hand. Unconscious, Megatron looked oddly even more imposing than he did on his feet, his huge frame taking up what seemed like most of the room. His black fusion cannon was detached from its mountings and lay on the floor beside him.

"Check it out," Frenzy said happily. "He's out of it - and _unarmed_."

The two cassettes giggled quietly together. "So," Rumble grinned, "what we gonna do? Spraypaint? Cross a few wires? Rig up a bucket?"

Frenzy thought about it. "Nah, all that's too easy. This is the best chance we'll ever have, we gotta do something really special. Uhm..."

He paused as the door slid quietly open and the rather unsteady looking figure of Thundercracker appeared framed in the opening. "Psst, you two!" the Seeker hissed. "I need your talents!"

"Yeah?" Rumble said. "Whatcha want, flyboy?" It wasn't often any of the senior Decepticons asked for the cassettes' help with anything.

"I've got a cratered Air Commander who needs a lesson teaching," Thundercracker explained. "I thought you two might have some suggestions."

Frenzy and Rumble looked from Thundercracker, to the motionless shape of Megatron, and then to each other. Slowly, their faces cracked into matching grins. Frenzy reached out and punched his brother lightly on the arm. "Score!"

Rumble simply nodded. "Well, well," he murmured. "We got something for you, looks like. But you're gonna have to help."

Thundercracker moved to sit beside the cassettes, bringing his head down to their level so he could lean in conspiratorially. "I'm all audials. What's the plan?"

Rumble and Frenzy, finishing each other's sentences in a shared rush of enthusiasm, told him. Thundercracker stared at them, then burst into shocked laughter. "Oh, Primus. That's just _wrong_."

"Which is the essence of the true prank," Rumble explained, adopting the air of a mad scientist discussing his favourite masterplan. "A great practical joke should be so slaggin' twisted that nobody would believe you'd do it until it happens to them. Right?"

"Right." Frenzy nodded. "An' also, all the best pranks are the ones you _never_ live down. You know, it should be Skywarp doing this," he added thoughtfully. "He's the one who usually works with us."

"I'm doing this _for_ Skywarp," Thundercracker said, grinning. "Last thing he said before he passed out was that he wanted to get the Screamer. I figured it'd be nice for him to wake up and find I'd already dealt with it for him."

Rumble clutched at his chest in an exaggerated gesture. "Aw! You guys are just soooo sweet!"

"Yeah, ain't you dating yet?" Frenzy added with a giggle.

"What?! I -" The Seeker choked, his expression flashing from scandalised to outraged to horrified in the space of less than a second. "We are _not_ -"

"Hey, hey, cool yer afterburners, you look as guilty as Starscream after a takeover bid." Frenzy smirked. "Don't worry, pal. Your little secret is safe with us." Both cassettes grinned evilly.

Thundercracker shook his head in despair. "Oh, believe whatever your glitch-ridden processors come up with, see if I care. Now can we get back to this prank business?"

Rumble and Frenzy grinned and nodded in unison. "_Right_."

**XXXXX**


	2. Repent at Leisure

!! Warning: **slash**. !!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, however much I might wish I did.

_Staying on Top_

_Part 2: ...Repent at Leisure_

Megatron lay still, afraid to move or even activate his sensors, surrounded by self-inflicted blackout and silence. Searching his memory banks, he found only great ragged gaps punctuated by nightmarish snapshots of scenarios that seemed to be from some alien dimension bearing no resemblance to the sane, real world he lived in. As he tried to review the last twentyfour hours of his life, scrabbling to extract a coherent story from the flashbacks, he felt cold horror crawl through his processors. How bad was it going to be, he wondered, when he finally got up the courage to face the universe? What sort of ruin and devastation would he find himself called upon to deal with?

_Why, oh why, did I drink so much last night?_

Carefully, bracing himself for the potential trauma, he brought his optics and audials online. Pain stabbed through his receptors as awareness returned and he flinched, hastily switching on filters to cut out the worst of the light around him. At least he was in his own quarters, lying half-on and half-off the recharge berth, staring at the familiar metal of the undecorated walls. The floor was littered with empty energon cubes, bits of random scrap and various objects he couldn't identify at all, but it was nothing that couldn't be cleared up. So far, so good. Carefully he turned onto his back, rearranging himself so that his limbs weren't trailing off the berth.

As he moved, there was a loud clang of impacting metal.

"Ow! What -"

Megatron's processors froze. He would know that voice anywhere in the universe.

"_STARSCREAM!_" Wincing, he hastily lowered his voice as his own yell jarred his battered neurocircuitry into blazing pain. "_What are you doing in my quarters?_"

Megatron vaguely remembered Starscream getting horrendously over-energised the night before as well but even with the hangover he must have had, the Seeker's reflexes were still amazingly fast. In the time it took Megatron to struggle to a sitting position and raise his fusion cannon, Starscream had dived into the far corner of the room and thrown himself upon his knees. He cowered and threw up his arm to shield his face, optics wide in terror. "Eek! Megatron! Please, please, don't hurt me!"

"Explain your presence here _right now_ or I'll blast you into scrap, Starscream!" It was a relief to Megatron to find that even with a hangover that felt like a personal expression of Primus' displeasure, he could still frighten the living spark out of his Air Commander. Seeing that look of absolute cringing panic on Starscream's face was making him feel better already.

"I - I -" the Seeker stammered. "Please, mighty Megatron..."

If Starscream was calling him that with a straight face the situation was probably even worse than he had realised, Megatron thought despairingly. "_WHAT?_"

"I... I've got memory failure." Starscream collapsed even further, curling into a ball on the floor, his scratchy voice breaking up in sobs of terror. "I've no idea how I got here. Please, d-don't terminate me...!"

Megatron groaned. Much as he didn't want to admit it to the other Decepticon, he had no memory of when, how or why Starscream had gotten there either. And nagging in the back of his mind were stories of other times when mechs had come online with hangovers and unexpected company...

_Oh, Primus. Tell me I didn't._

"Megatron?" Starscream uncurled fractionally.

"Yes?"

"What's going on?"

Starscream's look of pleading helplessness was, for once, unfeigned, and Megatron decided to let him off the hook for the time being. "That, Starscream, is what I intend to find out." He activated his comm unit. "Megatron to Decepticon forces - sound off! Status and location reports from all units!"

There was a brief delay, then responses started to filter back. "Soundwave reporting. Status: energon poisoning. Location: floor." Starscream, overhearing that, snickered quietly. Even through the modulation of his vocaliser it was plain that the Communications Officer was deep in his own personal world of hurts.

"Boss? Rumble here. Why am I stuck in a ventilation shaft?"

"Scrapper reporting on behalf of the Constructicons, Commander Megatron. We're down in the repair bay. Should all be fully functional within half a megacycle."

"Skywarp. I'm in Thundercracker's quarters. Thundercracker's with me but he's still passed out."

The reports continued to come in, and eventually Megatron nodded, satisfied that everyone was at least accounted for. Now all that remained was to piece together who had done what - and, most importantly of all, why he had woken up with his Air Commander...

Behind him he heard Starscream muttering to himself, apparently thinking aloud. "We can pull the surveillance tapes. Whatever happened, the cameras will have logged it."

The thought of what might be on those tapes turned Megatron cold inside, and he looked up suspiciously at the camera in the corner of his room. "I'll see to that myself," he said hastily. "Get out there and try to restore some semblance of order. And, Starscream?"

"Yes?"

"Do _not_ tell _anyone_ you were here last night. Understood?"

"Why not - oh." The look on Starscream's face as he reached the same conclusion Megatron had arrived at some minutes ago was a picture. "You're afraid they'll think we -"

"Don't even think that thought."

Starscream closed his mouth, for once not wanting to argue, and headed for the door. Megatron watched him leave.

Only when he was safely alone did the Decepticon leader bury his face in his hands and allow himself a faint whimper of despair.

**XXXXX**

"Nnnngh."

"Hey, wake up, buddy. You okay?"

"Owww. Slag." Thundercracker sat up cautiously on his recharge berth, blinking his optics. For a moment, he couldn't remember anything.

Then it all came back and he promptly fell over again, choking with laughter. "Oh, oh, _oh_..." Reaching out, he grabbed Skywarp and pulled the other Seeker into a hug. "Oh, Warp... you'll never believe what happened last night."

"Get off, you idiot," Skywarp protested. He disentangled himself and shoved Thundercracker away. "What the shock is going on?"

"You'll see," Thundercracker promised. "We... me and the cassettes... we set you up a present."

Now that sounded intriguing. "What kind of a present?"

Thundercracker looked up at his wingmate, optics wide, his face nearly divided in two by an enormous, utterly evil grin. "I pranked the Screamer for you."

"Oh, Thunder! You didn't!" Skywarp didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "You... oh, _you_! What did you do to him? Go on, go on, tell me!"

"Well..." Thundercracker paused, drawing out the pleasure of the moment. "We didn't just prank Starscream. We got Megatron as well."

The shock nearly drove Skywarp to a processor reboot. "You... did... _what?_ _How?_"

"Easy. We found them both passed out, so..."

"Yes?" If Skywarp had been organic, he would have been drooling with anticipation. "Put me out of my misery, Thunder! Tell me!"

Thundercracker hesitated, schooling his features into a look of feigned innocence. "We left them snuggled up together in Megatron's quarters."

"_Whaaaaaat?!_ Oh... oh, Primus..." The black Seeker collapsed in gales of shocked, delighted laughter. "Thunder," he gasped. "I never knew you had it in you."

"Well, it was Rumble's and Frenzy's idea," Thundercracker admitted. "I just helped them carry the bodies."

"But you did it for me?" Skywarp looked incredulous.

"Sure. Anything for my bestest friend." Thundercracker grinned.

"Thunder?"

"Yeah?"

"I owe you for this, don't I?"

"Quite possibly. Don't worry, I'll be sure to call in at the worst possible moment." Thundercracker laughed.

"And here was me thinking you were turning nice," Skywarp sighed in mock regret.

Thundercracker looked up at his friend, gleefully unrepentant. "Warp, you wouldn't want me any other way."

Skywarp smiled at that. "No, actually. I wouldn't."

**XXXXX**

"Starscream!"

"Yes?"

Megatron stepped in close to his lieutenant and lowered his voice. "Someone has already pulled the surveillance tapes for last night and wiped them," he said grimly. "Any brilliant ideas?"

Starscream shuddered. He wondered whether whoever had done the delete had watched the tapes first, and if so, what they had seen. "Someone else who had something to hide?" he suggested.

"That could have been anyone." Megatron sighed. "I think everyone in the base humiliated themselves somehow last night. Did I really see Soundwave and the cassettes trying to do karaoke?" He smiled tightly in response to Starscream's horrified look. "I keep getting flashes of memory back. That was the most recent one."

"If that did happen," Starscream said with feeling, "I'm very glad to say I missed it."

"How fortunate for you." Megatron's usual sarcasm was tinged with genuine envy. "Any further thoughts on our own... mental lapses?"

Starscream had plenty of thoughts. Most of them, however, weren't ones he was prepared to discuss. "Nothing helpful. Primus, I wish I could remember!"

"Well, keep on trying." Megatron told him. "We'll get to the bottom of this."

Starscream nodded. "Believe me, I'm working on it."

Megatron's comm blinked into life. "Megatron?"

"Yes, Soundwave?" Was it his imagination, Starscream thought as he listened in, or did Soundwave actually sound flustered?

"Important: you need to see this. Come to the control room."

"Can't you be more specific than that?" Megatron growled impatiently.

"Circumstances... outside explicable parameters." Soundwave hesitated. "Megatron - help?"

Megatron and Starscream looked at each other in disbelief.

"On my way," Megatron said at last.

"Thank you." Soundwave cut the connection.

"Starscream?" Megatron turned on his heel and beckoned his lieutenant. "With me."

Starscream was too stunned to quibble. "Yes, Megatron." As they headed for the control room, he wondered with a sinking sense of horror just what they were going to encounter. Somehow, he was absolutely sure his life was about to get even worse.

**XXXXX**

Megatron stood in the middle of the control room and glared at the base's main computer screen with an intensity that could have burned through steel plating. Starscream stood beside his commander, shifting uneasily from foot to foot; the other Decepticons present, who had been laughing until Megatron walked in, stood or sat still with cowed looks on their faces.

"Does anyone," the Decepticon leader said in a dangerously controlled voice, "wish to take responsibility for this?"

There was a horrible silence.

"Very well." Megatron turned, pointing accusingly at each of the Decepticons in turn, letting them all have a good look down the barrel of his fusion cannon. "When I find the perpetrator of this... _prank_... I shall contrive a suitable punishment for them." He looked up at the screen again.

On some level he supposed he had to admit it was funny. Someone had taken a screen capture from the surveillance cameras and tampered with it, coming up with an image of himself and Starscream caught in what could only be described as a very compromising position. The unknown hacker had then stuck the picture up as a default background on the computers, with the result that everyone in the Decepticon base had now had ample opportunity to look and laugh at it. It was disturbing how well the shot had been done, Megatron thought - not only had the prankster managed to edit the image to get the two of them locked in a kiss, he had even changed the details of their expressions to achieve a more authentic effect. The artistry of the graphic work was undeniable.

He stamped hard on the small part of his mind that pointed out that it might not actually _be_ an edited image.

"Soundwave! Get that picture off the screens. And backtrack the traces to find out who posted it in the first place!"

"As you command, Megatron." Soundwave tapped at his console, and the offending image duly vanished. Beside him Megatron heard Starscream gasp in relief, and inwardly cursed him for it. If anyone thought that either of them was embarrassed by this ridiculous prank, they would jump to conclusions...

Unfortunately, someone else had noticed the Seeker's discomfiture. "Hey, Screamer, don't look so guilty!" Rumble piped up. "It's only a screen edit. Not like it really happened - _is it_?"

Starscream visibly flinched. And, predictably, the Decepticons went straight for the kill.

"Hey, maybe it wasn't an edit!"

"Oh, Primus, what if they _did_?"

"I do not believe this!"

The look of outrage on Starscream's face only made it worse. Laughter rang through the room, even the threat of Megatron's temper no longer enough to keep the Decepticons in check. Megatron glared, at a loss for once in his life as he wondered how to regain control of the situation without making himself look as guilty as Starscream already did. Fury seethed in his processors. Taking the fall for a subordinate's prank like this was intolerable!

"_Shut up!_" Starscream yelled over the catcalls. "All of you! I will not be mocked!"

"Yes you will!" someone called out. There was another round of laughter. Starscream raised his fist, his optics narrowing dangerously.

Megatron decided that this had gone far enough. "_Silence!_"

Silence he wanted, and silence he got. A silence of goggling optics and visible smirks, as every Decepticon in the control room stared at their two most senior officers and desperately tried not to crack up again. A couple of muffled squeaks could be heard as some of them failed to keep their faces straight.

Megatron looked around at them all. "I do not wish to hear any more of this!" he growled at last. "Get back to your duties!"

There was a general shuffle of compliance, but under the surface Megatron could still hear the snickers and the whispered exchanges that were going on. He glanced sideways at Starscream, who caught his gaze and glared back.

Both commanders failed to see the exchange of thumbs-ups between Rumble and Frenzy, but nobody missed Frenzy's "aside" to his brother a second later. "Hey, Rumble, Starscream looks real funny when he's mad, don't he?"

"Yeah, right, Frenzy," came the stage-whispered answer. "I reckon he's upset cos we all know _he _was the one underneath."

There was a beat as Starscream's hungover mind processed the words, and then his optics lit up with an incandescent fury that made even Frenzy take an involuntary step backwards. "_What?_ How _dare_ you -"

"Hey, nothin' personal," Rumble squeaked out, backing away. "Just, well, someone had to've been, and obviously Megatron wouldn't -"

Megatron, listening in shock to the exchange, smiled wryly at that surreal vote of confidence; then he saw the expression on Starscream's face, and felt his circuits go cold. Megatron had seen that look enough times to know exactly what it meant - it was the one that signalled an impending leadership challenge. _Oh, Starscream, not now..._

With a predatory smile, Starscream looked down at the cassette. "What makes you so sure of _that_, Rumble?" Megatron blinked. Whatever he had expected, this wasn't it!

Rumble looked more than a little surprised himself. "Well, I... this is _Megatron_, of course he'd be on top, I mean anyone could tell that..." Rumble was backing away in the direction of Soundwave, who was already moving to protect his "children", and the cassette's gaze was flicking between Starscream and Megatron as though he wasn't sure which of the two was going to try and deactivate him first.

"You think?" Starscream's expression had gone beyond predatory and was now in the realms of truly unholy delight. The room had fallen totally silent, everyone hanging in disbelief on Starscream's words. "And here I thought everyone knew that the control-freak commander types _always_ take it -"

"_STARSCREAM!!!!_" Optics blazing with outrage, Megatron swung up his fusion cannon and blasted the Seeker back into the nearest wall. For a second there was silence as everyone instinctively cringed away from their leader's wrath - and then from somewhere behind Soundwave's legs, a shrill voice yelled out: "Hey, get _him_! Guilty or what?"

"What?! Frenzy-!"

Too late. The whole room had heard. Starscream scrambled to his feet, laughing louder than anyone as every pair of optics turned to focus on Megatron. "Well, _Leader_? How does it feel to be underneath in _public_ for once?"

"Starscream," Megatron grated out, "when I'm through with you _this_ time, you will wish you had never been assembled!" He looked around the room for support.

He quickly realised that he didn't have any. Skywarp and Thundercracker were holding each other up and laughing fit to blow a gasket, the three Insecticons were rolling on the floor giggling, even Soundwave couldn't look him in the optics. And Starscream was standing front-and-centre of the whole sorry lot of them, one fist raised in mocking salute, conducting the symphony of merriment with a look of joyful malice on his face. "Well, Megatron?"

With a colossal effort, Megatron suppressed the desire to pound his second in command into scrap metal. Instead, he stood still and willed himself to remain calm. _I am Megatron, lord of the Decepticons, and I will not be driven to make a fool of myself in front of my entire army!_ _And whatever Starscream may allege, I'M ON TOP! Now and forever!_ Had he been human, he would have taken a deep breath; as it was he simply stepped back, taking his fusion cannon offline, and smiled with all the arrogance he could summon up. With theatrical courtesy, he waited for the laughter to die down before speaking.

"You _are_ running out of ideas, Starscream," he began smoothly, mockingly. "Your attempts at mutiny usually have _some_ substance, after all. Is this really the best you can come up with, or should I be making allowances for your hangover?"

That got a laugh from several of the onlookers and a glare of wounded pride from Starscream. Megatron pressed the advantage, grinning maliciously. "Of course, I can't just ignore your... allegation. After all, if I did, it might look as though I had something to hide - hmm?" He paused again, letting the silence do his work for him, watching as the look of defiance on Starscream's face started to slip; then he took a pace forward, advancing threateningly on the Seeker. They locked optics, battling with nothing but sheer willpower; around them, the other Decepticons watched in stunned silence as the air between the two commanders seemed to crystallise under the pressure of their mutual glares. Several of the watchers started to move unobtrusively backwards as though afraid one or both of the combatants was about to physically explode.

And then Starscream finally lost his nerve and backed away a step. Megatron followed up instantly, still staring the Seeker down, his lips curling into a wicked half-smile. "Who's on top, Starscream?"

The question hung in the air for a second, and then Starscream dropped his gaze. "Oh, all _right_," he said sulkily, looking at the floor. "You are. As usual."

The tension snapped like a breaking wire, and suddenly everyone was laughing again. Not that Megatron minded it now, because they were back to laughing at Starscream instead of at himself. That was definitely much, much better...

"Megatron?"

He looked around. "Yes, Soundwave?"

"Source of image identified."

Soundwave had been busy doing a computer hack all the way through that fiasco? _At least _one_ of my Decepticons can be trusted to do his job,_ Megatron thought with a flash of amusement. "So, who was the culprit?"

Soundwave glared reproachfully at the small purple figure by his feet. "Rumble."

"Aww, _boss_!" Rumble protested. "You're not supposed to rat on us!"

"'Us'?" Soundwave prompted him dryly.

"Blast!" Rumble guiltily clapped his hands over his mouth. "I mean _me_, obviously..."

"Nah, me too," Frenzy admitted, stepping up beside his brother. "But, come on, you gotta admit it was funny," he added, looking up nervously at Megatron. "Don't you?"

"Very well. Consider yourselves duly acknowledged for one of the most effective pranks I've seen in quite some time." Megatron paused to give them time to be suitably pleased with themselves, then smiled malevolently. "In addition, the two of you are relieved of active duty and are going to spend the next three weeks scrubbing every flat surface in this base. Do I make myself clear?"

Their faces fell. "Awwww, no!" Rumble protested. "Not brush detail! Not again!" He scampered to Megatron and clutched pleadingly at the taller 'Con's ankle. "Please! Anything but that!"

Megatron looked down at him. "Would you rather I let Starscream determine your punishment?" he asked innocently. "After all, he was as much a victim of your mischief as I was..."

Rumble froze, then backed carefully away. "Um, I'll go fetch that brush then, shall I?" he said hopefully.

"Excellent decision, Rumble." Starscream had come up behind Megatron and was glaring at the cassettes.

"I dunno what you're looking at us for," Frenzy objected, glaring right back. "_He_ started it!"

All optics followed the pointing finger. Thundercracker, suddenly finding himself the object of a dozen inquiring stares, blinked innocently. "Who me?" He turned and pointed at Skywarp. "I was only doing what _he_ said!"

"Hey, just a cycle! I was passed out drunk, I had nothing to do with this!" Skywarp yelped. "_You_ were the one who -"

"_Thundercracker! Skywarp! _You two are _dead!_" Starscream yelled. "I'll pull out your circuit boards with my bare hands if you set me up for this!"

"Looked like you did a pretty good job of embarrassing yourself even without our help!" Skywarp protested. "You can't blame us for everything!"

"_Quiet!_" Megatron shouted. The noise subsided to a bearable level. "Seekers, out of here _now_ and sort this out amongst yourselves. Rumble, Frenzy, to your assigned duties or it _will_ be worse than brush detail next time. The rest of you, back to your stations and _do not let me hear another word about this!_" Sweeping the room with a final glare, he turned and stalked out.

The sound of the door closing behind him was one of the most welcome things he could ever remember hearing. With a sigh, he turned and headed back to his quarters, wincing as the headache he'd been trying to ignore for the past half a megacycle started to kick back in with a vengeance. Normally it wouldn't have occurred to him to skip a turn of duty for a mere hangover, but after a morning like that one he was prepared to make an exception. _Rank hath its privileges, after all..._

**XXXXX**


	3. Truth and Consequences

!! Warning: **slash**. !!

Disclaimer: I own nothing, however much I might want to.

_Staying on Top_

_Part 3: Truth and Consequences_

Skywarp stretched out on his recharge berth and carefully tipped his abused head backwards until it rested against the metal beneath him. "Ow." He looked across at the other Seeker who sat slumped with his back against the door. "This is all your fault."

Thundercracker raised his head and grinned. "But you've got to admit it was worth it," he said.

Skywarp glared at him. "_Worth_ it? Do you have any idea how much I hurt after all that? Look, Thunder - next time leave the pranks to the expert, willya? You're a slaggin' liability!"

"Hey, you were the first to laugh when I started!" Thundercracker protested. "Just because Rumble and Frenzy pushed it too far -"

"I'll say it went too slaggin' far!" Skywarp retorted. "I did _not_ need to hear Megatron and Starscream arguing about their preferences in front of the entire army!"

Thundercracker grinned at the memory. "Oh, come on, Warp. You were laughing at the time."

"Yeah, right," Skywarp answered with a shudder. "That was before I realised how vivid my imagination was."

"You - oh." Thundercracker looked at him in horror. "You're supposed to laugh at that kind of thing _without_ actually picturing it happening, you know!"

"I can't help it," the black Seeker muttered darkly. "It's far too picturable."

"What? I -" Thundercracker stopped. Slowly, a look of incredulity spread over his features. "Shock, you're right, aren't you? Hey, they _would_ make a cute couple if they could only stop trying to scrap each other for long enough, as well..." He started to giggle. "Oh, my. I didn't need that thought."

Skywarp sat up, grinning. "_I_ feel better for not being the only one having it, though."

"I'm sure," his friend said wryly. "You know, maybe I shouldn't have told the Screamer how he ended up in Megatron's quarters. You never know, they might have sorted it out between themselves..."

"Shock of a way to matchmake," Skywarp laughed.

"Right." Thundercracker nodded. "Ah, well, they'll either work it out or they won't. Me, I've caused enough trouble for a while." He grinned. "Think I'll take the rest of the day off."

Skywarp smiled, his optics gleaming. "You do that, Thunder." A beat. "Don't worry, I'll cover for you."

Thundercracker looked at him suspiciously. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Well, I can make plenty enough trouble for two. Nobody will even notice you're off the rota." Skywarp grinned, obviously already well embarked on his next plot.

Thundercracker put his hand over his optics defeatedly, but despite himself he was hiding a smile. "As long as you leave me in peace," he said, "I don't slaggin' care."

**XXXXX**

Someone was knocking on Megatron's door.

With a muttered curse the Decepticon commander sat up and shook his head, then winced - the hangover was still doing its thing. "Whoever that is," he snarled, "it had better be important!"

"It's me," replied a familiar, scratchy voice. "Can we talk?"

"Starscream." Megatron tapped the door control, letting the Seeker in. "Will I never be rid of you?" he demanded rhetorically. "Even for as long as it takes to sleep off a hangover?"

"Ah, actually, that was partly what I came about." With a mischievous smile, Starscream reached into a folded-space pocket and pulled out a couple of suspiciously glittering energon cubes. "Hair of the turbocanid?" he offered, holding out one of the cubes invitingly.

Megatron took the cube and looked at it suspiciously. "Bribery now, Starscream? Trying to win your way back into my favour yet again?" He frowned. "And _what_ have you spiked this with? It looks potentially fatal!"

"You wound me." Starscream gestured theatrically, his hand over his breast. "I'd prefer to describe it as a peace offering. And no, I'm not trying to poison you." He shook his head. "You're always so suspicious of me!"

"Suspicious?" Megatron repeated incredulously. "I should think so! You caused me to be dragged into one of your subordinates' pranks, you embarrassed me in front of the entire Decepticon elite, you interrupted my hangover and now you're trying to get me drunk again! Where in all of this is the reason why I shouldn't blast you?" He gestured threateningly with his fusion cannon.

Starscream gave him the Look, the special expression of hurt, wide-opticed innocence that the Seeker always used when he knew he was in trouble. Megatron suppressed a smile at the sheer familiarity of the situation. The two of them had been doing this for so long - strike, counterstrike, betrayal, vengeance, reconciliation - that it had become a game to them. The point of the exercise wasn't for either of them to win, but for them both to keep each other in check.

Of course, to admit that would have been to concede an advantage, so he kept his expression stern as he glared at Starscream. "Well?"

"What do you mean, _well_?" Starscream retorted. "Is it _my_ fault that you got overenergised and passed out in the middle of the control room? Is it _my_ fault that Soundwave can't keep his delinquent creations under control? And besides, now who's picking a fight? _I_ came here with entirely peaceful intentions, and what do I get? Threats!" The Seeker drew himself up, glaring. "I should leave you to your headache!"

Megatron gave up and let himself start laughing. "Starscream, for Primus' sake stop posturing and sit down." He waved the energon cube. "And find yourself a drink. If I'm getting trashed, you're going to join me."

Grinning, Starscream obeyed. "As you command, fearless leader!" He raised his own cube in salute. "Here's to oblivion!"

They laughed together, and drank.

**XXXXX**

Starscream leaned back against the wall, and sighed in contentment. "Now, tell me that isn't an improvement."

"Hmm." Megatron blinked lazily. "For once, Starscream, I believe you have a point." He looked speculatively at the half-empty energon cube in his hand, then tipped his head back and finished it off. Almost at once, he felt a warm surge of energy through his core - whatever secret ingredient Starscream used in his homebrew, it was potent stuff. "Mm. That's... definitely better. I don't suppose there's any more, is there?" He looked pointedly at Starscream, though the effect was slightly spoiled by the fact that he was starting to lose optical focus.

The Seeker smiled in response. "Of course, Megatron," he murmured smoothly, producing another full cube and pressing it into Megatron's hand. "Though you might want to take it easy," he added, with just a trace of playful malice. "Can't have you drinking yourself unconscious again, now can we?"

"Speak for yourself, you tinfoil lightweight," the Decepticon leader growled, more in reflex than real annoyance. He was too drunk to take offence at his lieutenant's needling. And besides, Starscream was smiling teasingly and his optics were bright with unvoiced laughter, about as far from being a serious threat as the ambitious Seeker ever got.

"Lightweight, is it?" Starscream retorted. "Your repartee loses something when you're drunk, Leader. And I'll be online long after _you_ pass out, at this rate." He underlined the point by knocking back the last of his own drink, and threw his commander a challenging glance.

"Oh, really, Starscream?" Megatron grinned wickedly, raised his arm and fired.

The blast was set to the lowest possible power, and all it did was singe Starscream's armour. He complained nonetheless. "Now you're cheating!"

"Of _course_ I am, you idiot!" Megatron retorted. "What do you take me for, an Autobot?" He rose to his feet, somewhat unsteadily, and stepped forward to loom over Starscream. Starscream looked up at him, smiled innocently, and blasted him in the chest with a low-power null ray.

"_Aargh!_ Starscream-!" He stumbled as his already overtaxed motor circuits tried to compensate for the sudden numbness in his upper body, lost his balance, and crashed face-down to the floor.

And somehow, the look on Starscream's face in the second before Megatron landed on him made it all worthwhile.

"_Hey!_"

"Bad tactics, Starscream," Megatron murmured. He didn't bother to get off the smaller Decepticon, instead wrapping his left hand around Starscream's throat and grinning down at him. "Just like you to make such an obvious mistake."

Starscream glared, fighting to retain some semblance of dignity. "Get _off_ me!" he protested, trying to kick Megatron away.

"Oh, I don't think so. After all, _I'm_ perfectly comfortable." To his surprise, he realised it wasn't all that far from the truth. There was something deeply satisfying about having his arch-rival at his mercy like this, Starscream's lithe frame pinned under his own greater weight, trapped, vulnerable... He let his fingers tighten on Starscream's throat, just a little, and felt the Seeker tense in response.

"Megatron? Please... I - I thought we were only playing..." Starscream looked up at his commander, the beginnings of fear starting to show in his optics. "Don't..."

Amused, Megatron relaxed his grip and heard Starscream gasp with relief. Oh, this was sweet - more subtle than the heavy-handed intimidation tactics he usually deployed to keep his treacherous lieutenant in line, but apparently just as effective. He leaned down, staring into Starscream's optics, so close that the tips of their noses almost touched. "Oh, don't worry, Starscream, we _are_ only playing. I'm merely raising the stakes a little."

Starscream looked back at him, and cracked a sudden smile. "You..." he began, then laughed softly. "Oh, I'm not drunk enough for this."

"What _are_ you talking about?"

"Well, if _you_ don't know what this looks like, _I'm_ not going to be the one to tell you," Starscream answered, still laughing. "I just hope no one's watching the surveillance monitors."

The credit dropped. "Ah."

"If anyone sees you doing this to me -" Starscream tilted his head back in teasing submission, smiling wickedly - "this morning's exercise in rumour control will be _completely_ wasted. Your move, _Leader_..."

Megatron thought about it for a second, then twisted around and shot the security camera off the wall. The device exploded in a spitting shower of sparks and fried electronics. "Is that better?"

Starscream's optics widened in shock. "Erm -"

"_Now_ let's see anyone interfere." He looked down consideringly at his captive, wondering what to do with Starscream next. Oh, this was fun...

"Interfere with what, mighty Megatron?" Starscream prompted him.

The truth was that he hadn't quite decided yet, but the challenge in Starscream's tone could not be left unanswered. Megatron bent his head, leaning close and dropping his voice to a whisper. "That's for _me_ to know, Starscream, and for you to find out."

"Oh really?" Their faces were barely inches apart now. Starscream's optics glittered hectically with overcharge and emotion, and Megatron felt a surge of dizziness as he met the Seeker's gaze. _How drunk _am_ I?_ he wondered, surprised. He had a nagging feeling that he wasn't as in control as he'd thought he was a moment before.

"Starscream..."

Starscream gasped softly, and Megatron could feel him trembling. "_Yes..._" The Seeker tipped his head up, pressing himself against the hand that still gripped his throat - and somehow, awkwardly, their lips met.

For a moment Megatron was nearly shocked into pulling away, but Starscream reached up to cling to him and he found himself not only accepting the kiss but returning it. And, to his surprise, he realised he didn't actually want this to stop.

_What am I doing?_ part of his mind demanded. _This is insane... _And then Starscream pulled him closer and deepened the kiss, and he decided to worry about it later - or preferably, not at all...

**XXXXX**

Megatron came back online with a headache and a horrible feeling of deja vu.

He activated his optics and assessed the situation, being careful not to make any sudden movements. He was lying on the floor of his quarters, surrounded by the debris of what had clearly been a serious night's drinking, and something heavy was resting on his left arm. Looking around, he found...

"Starscream?!"

The Seeker jumped and blinked as he came out of recharge mode. "Megatron?"

They looked at each other.

"Oh, Primus," Starscream said faintly. "Last night..."

Megatron frowned. What _had_ happened, anyway? He remembered Starscream setting out to get both of them drunk, and then...

"Oh, _no_." Megatron disentangled himself from his second in command and sat up, despairingly burying his face in his hands as the events of the previous evening sorted themselves out in his memory. "_Not again!_"

_Fin_


End file.
